warnings for my future husband: part 2

i know, i know. warnings part two ... really?  maybe instead of "warnings for my future husband" the post should be entitled "tips for scaring away any potential suitors."

but nonetheless, i've thought of a few more warnings that i want to add to the previous warnings list. and yes it's completely necessary because as i discussed with my dear friend g-dubs this past sunday over lunch, one day i'll make my future husband sign these things just so we're clear that they aren't surprises.  as he explained to me, half of marriages end in divorce while the other half end in death (something i thought was quite hysterical ... not the death part, but the entire expression).  however, with my meek attempts at transparency, hopefully my (somewhere in the distant future) marriage will end once we're old and shriveled all up like raisins.

here are three additional warnings:

1.  i don't always make my bed in the morning.  HOWEVER, i absolutely without a doubt must have my bed made prior to getting in it at night.  this often results in me making the bed around midnight only to throw the covers back a few minutes later, but still.  the bed must be made, but not necessarily at the crack of dawn.

2.  apparently i have a lot of nervous energy.  this may result in me tearing up napkins or the pieces of paper that hold silverware together at restaurants.  i don't consciously think of it as nervous energy.  i just know my six-year-old sized hands need to be occupied (but obviously not with touching food since we all know that doesn't happen).  i promise to not leave these little pieces of paper trash all over the table in hopes to not embarrass you in front of the waiters.

3.  i know that my beloved YA novels are works of fiction, but if i bring up katniss, dumbledore, or princess mia as if we just hung out at the mall, just go with it (the same goes for attending midnight movie premieres for these book adaptations -- i'll go see a blood and guts snoozefest with you if you go with me). the quickest way for the backside of my hand to meet your cute little cheek is to remind me that these are "just books" or that the characters "aren't real" ... they're real to me so just step back.

these three little additions to my list might appear silly, but i promise you this, darling husband of mine: if you cut me some slack in these areas, you'll never hear me complain about that toilet seat that i'm sure you'll leave up.  you learn to embrace the awkwardness that consumes my life and i'll embrace the fact that i should always check the seat pre-bathroom usage (or get used to swimming in the toilet bowl).

deal?  good.

warnings for my future husband - megan edition

earlier today i read an insightful little article (write up? blog post? something ...) from thought catalog called warnings for my future husband.  if you haven't read it yet, you should.  the writing is one part snarky, one part witty, and one thousand parts honest.

not only did i thoroughly enjoy the post, but it started my brain spinning on some warnings for my own future husband.  and yes, contrary to my current boyfriendless state (thanks for the reminder, grandma), i do believe that somewhere out there my future husband is waiting.  obviously waiting very patiently, but nonetheless, waiting.  and possibly in a mail-order form, but we'll cross that terrifying bridge if (not when, but IF) we come to it.

so here, my fine blog readers, are some of my warnings for my future husband:

[disclaimer: i said some because goodness knows i've left things out ... whether it was so i don't appear as quirky as i am, or because i've forgotten about it, i just think we should be clear: these are just a sampling of my warnings]

1.  i'm going to dress my dog up no matter how many times you remind me she's not a doll.  i know she's not a doll.  i'm not that dumb.  however, nothing in the fact that she is a dog dictates without a doubt that she can't be dressed up.  especially if she likes it.  which she does.  but you don't have to like it.  in fact, feel free to tease me about it.  but just know that every holiday (and some non-holidays) will involve an outfit.

2.  when i make a to-do list that includes things like "get dressed" and "go to sleep," don't feel pressure to do the same.  in fact, please don't.  too many to-do lists around the house will surely overwhelm me.  however, i get a certain amount of satisfaction (translation: a tremendous amount) from crossing these menial tasks off my list so please just let me be.

3.  when we go to the beach, you're going to sleep on the couch if you don't brush your feet off before getting in the bed.  sand in my bed makes for a beyond grumpy megan and trust me, you don't want that.  no one does.  so do the world a favor and wipe your feet ... or pack a spare blanket for the couch.

4.  diet pepsi is not (let me repeat: NOT) the same as diet coke no matter how similar they look.  you don't believe me?  let me replace your next beer with some interestingly colored urine and then try to tell me that something that looks the same is equal in pleasure.

5.  i'm going to call my mother every day, sometimes twice a day (sorry mom, but you know it's true). and if we get into a fight (regardless of whose fault it was), i'm probably going to have to call my mom again.  however, rest assured that she knows better than anyone that i am irrational and overly dramatic. these phone calls will only help your case that you married a lunatic.

6.  i'm going to ask dumb questions about most everything you watch, but that's only because i care.  if you put up with my dumb questions (or cease complaining when i'd rather go shopping), i won't complain when you don't want to watch jersey shore, the bachelor, or sex and the city reruns.  i do ask, however, that when you see that i'm crying while watching my romcoms, you sit down and pretend to care.  or at the very least throw me the tissue box.

the end.  now it's your turn -- what warnings do you have for your future (or current) husband?